Release Your Inner Ninja
By Mad Sweeney
Today, I have nothing to do. Well, I do, but my boss is on vacation and when the cat is away, the mice will play. This is true in even amongst the hardest groups of workers. Since I am stuck here in front of my brain sucking computer, I thought I might share a few thoughts I have had recently in an effort to get them out, make sense of them, and then laugh at them. My wife says I have a sick sense of humor and often wonders whether she should laugh or worry, so to clarify, you all may laugh. No need to worry.
A few days ago, a member of a message board I was on posted an aggravated question about his new neighbors and their desire to ride un-muffled dirt bikes at one in the morning, and what he should do to stop them. The suggestions that followed were those from every walk of life (religious preference, ethnic background, law breaking, law abiding, etc.). My suggestion? Learn the ways of the Ninja.
While the various people argued (people argue over anything nowadays) back and forth over their beliefs, I plugged away with my philosophy on what should be done. Mostly from a humorous standpoint. My thoughts were well received by the originator, but as most people do, the over-analytical political correctness of today's American took over and my thoughts were discounted. To each his own. I sat back and watched as the "love thy neighbor" crowd got their butt kicked by the "kick his ass" crowd, and then trampled every rational idea in between. It is just like us to argue so much that we move from the original problem and begin attacking each other on a personal level. Which of course leaves the individual with the problem standing there, shaking their head in disbelief, and of course with no solution.
You are probably asking what this has to do with the Ninja. Well, in reality, nothing. It is simply just a state of mind on how to deal with a pesky neighbor. The Ninja today is more commonly acquainted with something one may see on Saturday morning cartoons, or in a video game, but the actual history of the Ninja is shrouded in secrecy. Today's versions are merely modern interpretation of fables dating back 1100 years. In fact, the word Ninjitsu, which the word Ninja is derived from, means "the art of stealth," and I can see where this could be handy in dealing with the annoyance in question. You see, there is nothing funnier than watching someone (the annoyance) get up quickly and look around dumbfounded wondering what happened to them. Sort of like falling flat on your face and then getting up to see if anyone saw it happen. I think the art of stealth is a much more fun and satisfying way to rid yourself of the pestilence next door. Some may argue that it would be sinking to the level of said individual, and that the police should be called or ask him nicely to stop, but I say, fight fire with fire. Release your inner Ninja.
In the case of the midnight motocross, one could play many tricks to curtail this behavior in the future, and not even break the law. The first thing you will need is jammies. Yes, that's right, Ninja jammies. Those solid black outfits that give the true Ninja his stealth. But lets get creative. There is a certain creepiness about running around in the woods at night, and even the most boozed up motorcycle rider as invincible as they may seem, can easily have the bejesus scared out of them. So along with your jammies, you'll need a ghoulish mask. Something realistic. Next time Knievil gets on his bike for a midnight cruise, don your outfit and head out into the woods. The biggest part of the plan at this point is to figure your escape route. This is most important as a true Ninja will never be apprehended. Once you have figured out the plan, find a tree or any suitable shrubbery and hide behind it. When the biker comes along, with perfect Ninja skill and timing, jump towards the motorcycle, but not in front. Although you must be seen to get the full effect of the scare, it would only be momentarily, and will leave a lasting impression. Do not wait to see if your plan worked, as escape in the opposite direction of your home is more important. You will know your plan worked when the motorcycle goes back inside never to be heard from again unless the sun is out. Then sit back and revel in your success. Your spouse will wonder what you are constantly snickering at, but you must never tell as a Ninja never reveals his secrets.
***This article was written only as a parody. The world of the Ninja can be very dangerous, and the writer assumes no responsibility for injuries occured while attemping. Do not try this at home. Professional driver on closed course. All models are over 18. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. If rash occurs, discontinue use and seek professional medical treatment. This product not 100 percent effective against preventing pregnancy.***
Today, I have nothing to do. Well, I do, but my boss is on vacation and when the cat is away, the mice will play. This is true in even amongst the hardest groups of workers. Since I am stuck here in front of my brain sucking computer, I thought I might share a few thoughts I have had recently in an effort to get them out, make sense of them, and then laugh at them. My wife says I have a sick sense of humor and often wonders whether she should laugh or worry, so to clarify, you all may laugh. No need to worry.
A few days ago, a member of a message board I was on posted an aggravated question about his new neighbors and their desire to ride un-muffled dirt bikes at one in the morning, and what he should do to stop them. The suggestions that followed were those from every walk of life (religious preference, ethnic background, law breaking, law abiding, etc.). My suggestion? Learn the ways of the Ninja.
While the various people argued (people argue over anything nowadays) back and forth over their beliefs, I plugged away with my philosophy on what should be done. Mostly from a humorous standpoint. My thoughts were well received by the originator, but as most people do, the over-analytical political correctness of today's American took over and my thoughts were discounted. To each his own. I sat back and watched as the "love thy neighbor" crowd got their butt kicked by the "kick his ass" crowd, and then trampled every rational idea in between. It is just like us to argue so much that we move from the original problem and begin attacking each other on a personal level. Which of course leaves the individual with the problem standing there, shaking their head in disbelief, and of course with no solution.
You are probably asking what this has to do with the Ninja. Well, in reality, nothing. It is simply just a state of mind on how to deal with a pesky neighbor. The Ninja today is more commonly acquainted with something one may see on Saturday morning cartoons, or in a video game, but the actual history of the Ninja is shrouded in secrecy. Today's versions are merely modern interpretation of fables dating back 1100 years. In fact, the word Ninjitsu, which the word Ninja is derived from, means "the art of stealth," and I can see where this could be handy in dealing with the annoyance in question. You see, there is nothing funnier than watching someone (the annoyance) get up quickly and look around dumbfounded wondering what happened to them. Sort of like falling flat on your face and then getting up to see if anyone saw it happen. I think the art of stealth is a much more fun and satisfying way to rid yourself of the pestilence next door. Some may argue that it would be sinking to the level of said individual, and that the police should be called or ask him nicely to stop, but I say, fight fire with fire. Release your inner Ninja.
In the case of the midnight motocross, one could play many tricks to curtail this behavior in the future, and not even break the law. The first thing you will need is jammies. Yes, that's right, Ninja jammies. Those solid black outfits that give the true Ninja his stealth. But lets get creative. There is a certain creepiness about running around in the woods at night, and even the most boozed up motorcycle rider as invincible as they may seem, can easily have the bejesus scared out of them. So along with your jammies, you'll need a ghoulish mask. Something realistic. Next time Knievil gets on his bike for a midnight cruise, don your outfit and head out into the woods. The biggest part of the plan at this point is to figure your escape route. This is most important as a true Ninja will never be apprehended. Once you have figured out the plan, find a tree or any suitable shrubbery and hide behind it. When the biker comes along, with perfect Ninja skill and timing, jump towards the motorcycle, but not in front. Although you must be seen to get the full effect of the scare, it would only be momentarily, and will leave a lasting impression. Do not wait to see if your plan worked, as escape in the opposite direction of your home is more important. You will know your plan worked when the motorcycle goes back inside never to be heard from again unless the sun is out. Then sit back and revel in your success. Your spouse will wonder what you are constantly snickering at, but you must never tell as a Ninja never reveals his secrets.
***This article was written only as a parody. The world of the Ninja can be very dangerous, and the writer assumes no responsibility for injuries occured while attemping. Do not try this at home. Professional driver on closed course. All models are over 18. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. If rash occurs, discontinue use and seek professional medical treatment. This product not 100 percent effective against preventing pregnancy.***
posted by Mad Sweeney at 3:19 PM
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