On Tour With My Wife

By Mad Sweeney

Everyone buckled in? Please keep your hands and feet in the vehicle until it comes to a complete stop.

First Stop: Day 1...First words were "fuck you" when all I did was say "Hi." Little did I know that on the day I met this battle hardened woman that I would marry her. Something sort of kinky went through my brain shortly after those words were said, and I became determined. Her previous victim was left wondering why she left him when truth was, it was obvious. Punch a bull in the nose, and you're gonna get the horns.

Second Stop: The Party...We actually carried out our first conversation at a party being held by a mutual friend, one that I didn't know at the time was mutual. A beer run later, we became friends and found that we enjoyed time spent together. I was young, bold, and truthfully, looking to get laid. Which I did, but she had other plans for me...Thankfully.

Third Stop: Dating...Throughout the time we were dating, we did as two people do that are dating. We tested the waters, we drank a lot, we argued a lot, we had lots of sex, we did dumb things together and to each other. We broke up, we got back together, we broke up, we got back together. Each and every single time we realized that we may not have lots in common, but we were better together than apart. We sickened everyone with our public mushiness. Then she had to leave. In an attempt to free herself from her previous victim, she had volunteered for a tour in Korea, well before she met me. The time had come to make a decision. I couldn't let her go without a guarantee that she would come back to me. I popped the question on a bench overlooking the Cooper River in Charleston. Turns out if I didn't, she was going to. We celebrated over drinks at The Griffon on Vendue Range Rd in Charleston, and in tradition, we found a spot on the wall and placed our $1 bill with our message to the world that we were getting married.
Fourth Stop: Marriage...Our ceremony was simple and easy. Keg of beer, a simple cake, some family, a few friends, and a drunken Notary. As easy as the ceremony was, there was nothing like seeing her come down the stairs in her dress. It is a day I will never forget, simply beautiful, and nothing has changed since then. It was a beautiful night. The next day we travelled to Asheville, NC for our honeymoon. It was the start of a marriage that is beautiful, challenging and hysterical.
Fifth Stop: Korea...Tough times that year apart brought. It was a real test of love to be apart for so long so shortly after getting married, but we did it. During the two times we saw each other that year, there were tons of good memories made. Memories I think of often. Everything from partying in South Korea, to being alone together on Jekyll Island in Georgia at that little bar that the cook kept letting us sample new recipes and drink free drinks because we were the only ones there. Good times. Plenty of good times in Korea also. She has always had the ability to find friends that are more than fun to hang around with, whereas I am more reserved and shy when it comes to meeting new people. There are more stories than I can physically type that came out of Korea.
Sixth Stop: Homecoming...The day she came home was a relief. I had missed her so much that holding her and kissing her lips felt better than the night that was to come...We began planning our future. I was happy that we were finally back together. The entire time we were apart was a test of sanity. The next few years we partied and enjoyed each other, immensely.
Seventh Stop: Kiddo's...When we decided to have children, it didn't come easy. We had our fair share of problems, if not more than. But it happened, and I tell you, that is the most beautiful time to see a woman. When our son's were born, I saw a side of her that was just icing on the cake. A beauty that was blinding if you stared too long. Sort of like looking straight into the sun. The birth of our children was a blessing, and though it took two, I give her all the credit for the creation of something equally as beautiful as she is...
Eighth Stop: Mood Changes and Medical Mysteries...When she was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression after the birth of our first child, I was more worried about her than I ever could be. The whole time through it, I thought of how difficult it was to make it through being apart for a year and realized that we could make it through this, and we did. With both children. As of late, a new problem is occurring that has me worried all over again and has a new set of challenges. She tries not to worry me, but I do, since she is the only thing that I can't live without other than our children. We can't live without those two little hellions. The medical mystery continues, but I know she will be here at least.
Ninth and not even close to the final stop: Life Goes On...I could not imagine a day going by that I did not get to see her or talk to her. She is the most precious, twisted, demented, hysterical, beautiful, challenging, thing that has ever taken an interest in me...And I love her for it..More than anything...

Goofingus Farfinkle and the Yard Gnomes

By Mad Sweeney

Sounds like a polka band, but there is actually a meaning to this title. In a recent discussion with a dear friend about writing about their own experiences and emotion, we came across the topic of writing from ones own persona, and not from someone elses. I concluded that there is no better writing than that of the personally tragic, as written in some of the best works in history. To feel true sorrow, one must experience it as a whole, and that includes the literary form, along with all of the general criteria. In a nutshell, published or not, ones thoughts should be taken from the brain and scribbled on paper, or some other form of media as there is no better way to see yourself than from the outside looking in. The pen gives you the power to have your own little "out of body" check-up without the general population thinking you are a nutball with little sprinkles on top. It's late, and my senses are failing me...There is some sort of meaning in this somewhere, i'm sure of it.

Goofingus Farfinkle and the Yard Gnomes are figments of my imagination and are prime examples of what one may actually see when not properly maintaing the mental status. Ms. Farfinkle originated in the discussion mentioned above prior to this blog, but only by surname, and was used to characterize a humerous remark made by the other half, often the better half, of the conversation. As for the the Yard Gnomes, as long as they are off somewhere else enforcing the Travelocity guarantee and not appearing from out of nowhere next to my chair, then I am good, and I will continue to keep myself in check using the pen. And various other medications...Goodnight

Springtime and Hoodlumism

By Mad Sweeney

Well, springtime is here and like the return of the weeds in my yard, the neighborhood "do nothings" have come out of hibernation and are out roaming. With this comes the onslaught of people causing problems, loud stereo's, loitering, trash, and just general stupid activity. I'm not talking kids either. Kids don't bother me. Grown adults that do nothing but sleep during the day, and roam around at night, can't be up to anything productive, and that bothers me. Not to mention everytime one passes in front of the house, my guard dogs go nutty.

As a boy growing up in a small (now huge) suburb of Ft. Worth, we lived in a culdesac that was relatively quiet. Each day after school we would do the things kids did back then, but under the watchful guidance of the neighborhood "evil eye." Also known as my father. As annoying as it was, I can now see why he was doing it, because I have become an "evil eye" myself and spend time watching from behind curtains. Over Christmas, the tree in our front room was perfect to capture any out of season hoodlumism that was occuring within sight, but that had to come down obviously and I had to fall back and practice my ninja skills without cover. More to follow....

Welcome

by Mad Sweeney

Welcome to my blog. Lots of (hopefully) entertaining stuff to be written here to encourage those who read to see the lighter side of the irritants of life. By writing them, it encourages me to do the same as I often fall prey to everyday stresses. My wife, Tina, and my friend Karen have always encouraged me to write and get the craziness out of my head, so here goes. Enjoy.

Release Your Inner Ninja

By Mad Sweeney

Today, I have nothing to do. Well, I do, but my boss is on vacation and when the cat is away, the mice will play. This is true in even amongst the hardest groups of workers. Since I am stuck here in front of my brain sucking computer, I thought I might share a few thoughts I have had recently in an effort to get them out, make sense of them, and then laugh at them. My wife says I have a sick sense of humor and often wonders whether she should laugh or worry, so to clarify, you all may laugh. No need to worry.
A few days ago, a member of a message board I was on posted an aggravated question about his new neighbors and their desire to ride un-muffled dirt bikes at one in the morning, and what he should do to stop them. The suggestions that followed were those from every walk of life (religious preference, ethnic background, law breaking, law abiding, etc.). My suggestion? Learn the ways of the Ninja.
While the various people argued (people argue over anything nowadays) back and forth over their beliefs, I plugged away with my philosophy on what should be done. Mostly from a humorous standpoint. My thoughts were well received by the originator, but as most people do, the over-analytical political correctness of today's American took over and my thoughts were discounted. To each his own. I sat back and watched as the "love thy neighbor" crowd got their butt kicked by the "kick his ass" crowd, and then trampled every rational idea in between. It is just like us to argue so much that we move from the original problem and begin attacking each other on a personal level. Which of course leaves the individual with the problem standing there, shaking their head in disbelief, and of course with no solution.
You are probably asking what this has to do with the Ninja. Well, in reality, nothing. It is simply just a state of mind on how to deal with a pesky neighbor. The Ninja today is more commonly acquainted with something one may see on Saturday morning cartoons, or in a video game, but the actual history of the Ninja is shrouded in secrecy. Today's versions are merely modern interpretation of fables dating back 1100 years. In fact, the word Ninjitsu, which the word Ninja is derived from, means "the art of stealth," and I can see where this could be handy in dealing with the annoyance in question. You see, there is nothing funnier than watching someone (the annoyance) get up quickly and look around dumbfounded wondering what happened to them. Sort of like falling flat on your face and then getting up to see if anyone saw it happen. I think the art of stealth is a much more fun and satisfying way to rid yourself of the pestilence next door. Some may argue that it would be sinking to the level of said individual, and that the police should be called or ask him nicely to stop, but I say, fight fire with fire. Release your inner Ninja.
In the case of the midnight motocross, one could play many tricks to curtail this behavior in the future, and not even break the law. The first thing you will need is jammies. Yes, that's right, Ninja jammies. Those solid black outfits that give the true Ninja his stealth. But lets get creative. There is a certain creepiness about running around in the woods at night, and even the most boozed up motorcycle rider as invincible as they may seem, can easily have the bejesus scared out of them. So along with your jammies, you'll need a ghoulish mask. Something realistic. Next time Knievil gets on his bike for a midnight cruise, don your outfit and head out into the woods. The biggest part of the plan at this point is to figure your escape route. This is most important as a true Ninja will never be apprehended. Once you have figured out the plan, find a tree or any suitable shrubbery and hide behind it. When the biker comes along, with perfect Ninja skill and timing, jump towards the motorcycle, but not in front. Although you must be seen to get the full effect of the scare, it would only be momentarily, and will leave a lasting impression. Do not wait to see if your plan worked, as escape in the opposite direction of your home is more important. You will know your plan worked when the motorcycle goes back inside never to be heard from again unless the sun is out. Then sit back and revel in your success. Your spouse will wonder what you are constantly snickering at, but you must never tell as a Ninja never reveals his secrets.


***This article was written only as a parody. The world of the Ninja can be very dangerous, and the writer assumes no responsibility for injuries occured while attemping. Do not try this at home. Professional driver on closed course. All models are over 18. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. If rash occurs, discontinue use and seek professional medical treatment. This product not 100 percent effective against preventing pregnancy.***